Writing as Habit.

A Response to AMW’s Writing Wednesday

It has been close to a year since I last wrote on this blog. This is in part due to both fortunate and unfortunate events — the latter being dominant. Without going into too many details, my wife and I welcomed our second son into the world last February after a difficult year. We suffered many losses this past year, but the addition to our family has brought much needed joy (and patience) into our lives.

It’s been difficult getting back into writing. Indeed, I feel some level of guilt because I am not writing my dissertation. Yet, here we are. It was Bill Caraher’s post on “Writing As Habit” that helped me jump back into this digital space (See Writing Wednesday: Writing as Habit). I read Bill’s blog quite frequently, but this one caught my attention at a time when I have been struggling to put words on paper and on the screen. Discussing his writing habits and the amount of time which writing can consume, Caraher notes:

“Our habits prepare us to do things well when the circumstance demands it.”

I found this intriguing, given that I have not written much in the past year, and the circumstances I face are demanding that I write a lot in a short period of time. Most of my writing this past year has been syllabi and some editing duties, though I did contribute to an edited volume, which is an achievement, I guess. I have no writing habit. I have no schedule, no motivation, just dread and anxiety about producing and catching up on my work, and it is here that the quote above forced me to reflect on my process alongside something my supervisor said to me the other day — do things that are fun. This was regarding getting the ball rolling on my dissertation, which I am desperate to complete by the fall.

This site was fun for me. I enjoyed writing on it in my quirky stream-of-consciousness voice, sharing my personal thoughts and meanderings. My word salads. What happened? I dunno. Life, I guess, but does that justify why I stopped writing? Hard to say. I do know that dread and anxiety about writing took over, and has been paralyzing. The dumb thoughts pour in. The anxiety over sounding dumb and that no one cares about what I write anyway. This leads me to what Bill wrote in his final paragraph.

“That said, humans are also prone to excess… and sometimes doing things just to do things isn’t really justifiable. When I think about my writing, I fret that my habit doesn’t justify its cost.”

I think Bill’s writing is justified and important in many ways, in particular today, because it inspired me to get back on here. This is a selfish observation, and I do understand his point, as I have been trying to justify writing on this damn blog for some time now. And because of this mental charade I’ve been playing, the complete lack of excess in my writing has crippled all aspects of my academic production.

Bill’s daily habit, whether he justifies it or not, made me realize that my writing habit needs to be excessive and does not need justification. It’s an important output that allows me to be vulnerable and tinker with ideas, theories and my quirky randomness in a space that I know very few read, unfortunately. But it is a space that also holds my writing somewhat accountable, in case someone does read a post.

Over the months, I have tried to justify this writing, given how behind I am on my dissertation. Do I need to justify it? A dear friend and colleague once told me never to justify why I study what I do to anyone, and I think this is true about writing on this blog. My academic writing improves significantly when I work on my creative writing/blog alongside it.

Thank you, Bill. Your post helped me get past a hurdle I’ve been dealing with for quite some time. And a friendly observation, for what it’s worth: Keep writing, and never justify to anybody doing something you love. You never know who or how it may help someone. That said, I think I will write my next post now and get these ideas out of my head so I can start making some sense out of them.